Fake College Application

As the deadlines for college applications become near, I have been writing college essays back to back. Before being professional about writing it, I tried to get all of my ideas onto the page and write a very honest essay. This is the product.

Ok here’s the version that I want to submit but probably shouldn’t if I actually want to go to the U.

Chuckles.

Halloweeeeeeeeeeeeeen

U of M Essay I guess.

My default impulse is to make sure to include all of my accomplishments. The clubs I’m in at school, my social justice work, the subjects of the poems I write, the writing award I won based on a piece I wrote in two seconds about a guy on a bus with a bucket full of rocks.

I do not feel like doing that right now. I feel like crying, hiding away from the world, rollling mysrlf into a ball and not emerging until 2020.

I came out to my friends and family in July 2017. It's been a hot second between last summer and the day I’m writing this essay because i have to and you guys should give me money i guess

Um… you should let me in to your college. Ur not my first choice or my second choice but if the first two don’t want me then i guess i’ll come to your school. My dad has an mfa from you in theatre but now he works in IT. my mom went to a weird alternative hippy college where she met my dad and now she’s a doctor so uhhhh you tend to mislead people. That aside, you are more tolerant than most colleges. So uh, take me. I see u have good gay vibes. U could have better gays but you’re minnesota so we’ll give you a pass. Low standards. Let me in your schoool. Yeah. uhhhhhhhhhhhhghhhhhhhjghhhasdfghjkl i live in minneapolis so i can go to your school my uncle lives by campus and i guess id probably live with him so you should pay for me to come to your school please i beg you. I dont reallu know if you are a good fit tbh, i think ur more of a math school and i gave up after algebra 2 so im no good there sorry bout that. I don’t test well. U like people with good test scores and i am not one. I write sometimes. I will diversifty your student body but just a little. I will give your councilers more work because i have anxiety.

Hhhhhhhhhh i “run” the gsa which means i put two tables together and let leo talk about how they’re trans for an entire lunch period so that’s worth like $2000 dollars worth of financial aid right there. I came to pajama day in some pajama clothes today so that’s like school spirit. I toured your school last year. Wasn’t impressed. On weds i folded clothes for sandy and brought some home. I say hi to the security guard Jerry every morning when I come into school and i’m like two minutes from being late to Kevin Clark’s class. He always tips his cowboy hat at me, which is nice.

why would you choose a gopher as your mascot???? If u bring me to your school i will assume full gopher form. No, i will not wear maroon and gold. I will literally turn into the gopher i was meant to be. Like the animal, not your cartoon mascot.

“Hey, would you help me out? I’m very gay, I would like a few dollars.”

-John Mulaney